A Year Ago Today..

So many wonderful things have happened to me this past week. One that has really made me take a step back and look at myself through a different mirror was being cast as one of my dream roles, Miranda, in Shakespeare's The Tempest at Brelby Theatre Company. Now of course, every role is a gift, and whenever you get the chance to work as an actor is always something to thank your lucky stars for. But why this opportunity is so precious to me is because of who I was a year ago. And that me, was not even dreaming of continuing to act. She was fighting for the strength to live.

Flashback to Summer 2014 Alexxis: Self-deprecating. self-loathing. Beating herself up for previous performances and missed "marks" in her acting that she thought defined her talent. Unable to step in front of her summer Shakespeare class and deliver Cleopatra without stepping upstage out of complete fear. Unable to perform a monologue or a made up scene in her room without bursting into tears, and telling herself she was shit. Depression and anxiety were tearing her apart, she didn't ever think she would be able to act again, or be cast by someone who had a basic idea of what talent was. 

With counseling I began making progress with my mental health. And when fall semester started, I was in recognition about how I was feeling, and that it was not something to be ashamed of. However, the beginning of this year my depression took a turn for the worst. I started experiencing more panic attacks, and one awful afternoon, I almost attempted to end my life. I hated who I was. I didn't think I would ever have the strength or fire to accomplish my dreams. If I was always going to be in my own way, what was the point of being here anyways?

Everyday since then has been a struggle. With many peaks and valleys, I certainly mastered the dance of "one step forward, two steps back". I cannot say that I am recovered, but I can say that I have made some triumphs. From the help of caring friends and loved ones, I have found the courage to breathe. And because of the overwhelming compassion and energy of Brelby, I have found the fire to act again out of pure love, and discover that I am capable of a lot more than I give myself credit for. Oh boy, there is still a long way to go. And my crippling feelings of self doubt still creep up now and again. But I have been shown that life is worth experiencing, and that I do have the power to make a fulfilling life for myself. 

So here is my shout out to you, dear friends. Whether it be to those who are struggling with depression, experiencing low self-esteem, or simply just doubting your ability to accomplish your heart's desires; you are extraordinary. Never let yourself, or anyone break you down to a level where you doubt your worth or capability in this world. You are enough. You are so enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are. The journey I am sure has not been easy. But I promise you my love, it will be worth it. There is so much to discover. So much to live for. So much beauty in this life to experience. And from someone who was so close to taking away her opportunity to see it, believe me when I say that everything will be okay. Yes, life can be a bitch. All that means is you just need to take it down. (;

Thank you to everyone over this past year for your love and support. It has given me the strength to fight. I am certainly not lying when I say I could have not gotten here without all of you. <3

So long, Farewell.

    Saying goodbye to something, especially when it was a huge part of your life is always a challenge. Whether it be the loss of a loved one, that toxic person that you finally kicked to the curb, or a place that you called home, finishing a chapter in your life can bring a lot of uneasy emotions. For me as an actress, I am constantly saying goodbye to shows. It's so surreal when you think about it. You are given a character to create; you have about a month or two to bond with your cast, you put the whole thing together, and in a blink, it is time to strike. You take your final bows, say your goodbyes, grab your "thank you" cards, and either look for your next project, or start on a new show right away. I always feel super embarrassed about how attached I get to a show. I not only treat the character as if they are a real, living being (which I mean, I guess that is not necessarily a BAD thing); I also value the cast like family. Which in essence, that is what a cast should feel like. A tight group so connected to each other, one cohesive unit who offer love, support, and fun to the process. Yesterday, I had to say goodbye to Fangirl, a show that really has been a completely different experience than anything I have been a part of. It was rough, I cried before the show to my wonderful director, almost cried throughout the show during parts that would have been really inappropriate, and bawled as I left the theatre. It still hasn't completely hit me yet that it is over. Yesterday I even started going over some of my lines, when I realized I couldn't try to make the better choice "for next time". The journey was done. The show had a fantastic run. And I am really blessed with how well people enjoyed it, the wonderful response we received from our playwright, and the bond we all created together as a team. 

    When shows are such a positive experience, it can be hard to say goodbye. Such as with anything in life. Moving to a new city to pursue another career; switching your tassel from left to right, and saying goodbye to a place that held your heart. As a growing young woman, I have had to force myself to learn that life is a book filled with many chapters. In order to continue the story, you need to finish one to get to the next. It will always be there as a memory. You can even sneak a peak one day when you are feeling nostalgic, and embrace in all its beauty again. The memories never go away. But what is important is not to refuse to read the rest of the book, and constantly go back the beginning out of fear of not knowing what will come next. Because what is beautiful about life is that you create your own chapters. You have the power and the control to write whatever you want. You are the author of your own story. And that is what I am taking from this experience. I had a great time, and I want to have another one. So therefore, time to write my next chapter. It is up to me, and only me. And by gum, I am going to write it with as much beauty, action, and love as I can. 

So I'm curious, what are some difficult goodbyes you have had to say? What chapter are you writing now? Let's share, let's chat. Embrace together that our lives are always moving forward. (: