A Sweet Love Note to 2015

2015 was the year I almost didn't see. It was the year I not only realized how important it is to take care of yourself, but that nothing, as cliche as it sounds, is impossible. Along with that, it was also the year I learned that it is important to recognize those you love when you still can hold them in your arms (RIP Tata). My limits were challenged this year, but I was blessed in multiple different ways. I  I would love to say I have completely transformed as a person... but there are always steps to take. I may not be fully confident in who I am, or what I can do,but I am here. I am breathing. I am continuing to take risks, and fight for what I want.

A year of hardships, and love is nothing without the people you share it with. So, I would like to take this opportunity to mention those who made this year a little easier.

 Jessi: My best friend since Junior year. The woman I can always count on to see in the audience as I take my bow, or listen to me attentively as I bitch about one thing or another. Thank you for being a friend to me all these years. Thank you for picking up the phone at all hours of the night. Thank you for being on my side even when I know I am wrong. You are the most beautiful person I have ever met, the strongest woman I admire everyday. Please know that no matter what, I will always have your back. Thank you for being in my life.

 Dejon: A therapist. A brother. You and I have had quite a ride together. You are the one to be my voice of reason, but never make me feel ridiculous for my feelings. I am so proud of your accomplishments this year- finding your passion for acting again, and moving on to U of A. You make me proud every time I see you. And your tendency to check up on me every now and then just to say "hello" means more than you could know. I love you buddy. Thank you for being an example of what a friend, and man should be.

 Eric: A man of utter talent, humor, and heart. I don't think I could put into words how much our friendship means to me. On my worse days, you lend me your ears. On my best days, you are the first to applaud. When I need someone to shake me, and bring me back to reality, you are the first one to do so. Thank you for being a friend I can play with on and offstage. Thank you for always being willing to hear my endless banter. Thank you for telling me I am enough when I don't believe it myself. And thank you for never making me feel stupid when I share my ups and downs. You are my pal. The most talented actor I have ever met.Cinderella was an absolute blessing having you by my side. Please know how much potential and ability you have to rock this world. Remember me when you star in your own sitcom that you probably will produce, and write yourself.

 Ursa: A best friend. A kind, gentle soul. A woman who has more heart in her finger than I do in my entire body. My god girl, I would be lost without you. You have been such an incredible friend to me,and I don't think I can repay you for all of the love you have showed me this year. You have remained at my side through it all, and it has been such a blessing getting to know everything about you. Thank you for showing me love when I needed it the most. For having my back when I was down. For taking me to school, or Safeway, or auditions because I am a broke ass bitch. For laughing with me when I wanted to cry. I love you girl. You are such a special person. And I will always, always, ALWAYS be there for you until the end.

 Shelby: My gab pal. My favorite makeup queen. A friend to act ridiculous with, and who encourages me to be my best. I love you so much, and I am so glad you came back into my life when you did. Late night trips to Walmart, or shopping parties to the mall are memories I cherish with all of my heart. You were there for me at my worst, and what you did for me is something I can never repay. Thank you for being a stage mom at all of my shows. Thank you for doing me up for all of my special occasions. Thank you for driving my broke ass around when I need a lift. Thank you for allowing me to be my silly self. Thank you for pushing me to see myself as the beautiful woman I see when I look at you.

 Madi: My biggest cheerleader. The most boss ass bitch I have ever met. Becoming closer with you this year is one of the things I am most grateful for. You have always been such a passionate, fiery soul, and it has been wonderful seeing you blossom into the lovely woman you are today. Thank you for cheering the loudest when you see me on stage. Thank you for laughing with me until we can't breathe. Thank you for offering me a hug when I need a boost. And thank you for inspiring me to push myself in my art. You astound me everyday with how talented, and intelligent you are with everything you do. You are the pure epitome of "you can do anything you set your mind to". You are the artist I strive to be, and I have no doubt you will continue to take this world by storm.

 Nathan: My little brother from another mother. This semester brought us from acquaintances to good friends, and that makes me so happy. Thank you for our many talks in the PAC. Thank you for being patient as I spill my guts out to you for the millionth time. Thank you for checking up on me to make sure I am okay. And thank you for having the biggest smile on your face when I share good news. This semester I saw you take charge, and believe in your ability as both a designer, and a person. And because you reminded me in your lovely Christmas card, it is my duty to remind you-"You are enough. You are more than enough. Never let anyone tell you different".

 Robert: One of the best people I have ever met. A man of absolute heart, determination, and spunk. Thank you for pushing me to love who I am. Thank you for lending me your shoulder when I need to cry. Thank you for helping me sort out my crazy, mixed up mind. Thank you for taking the time to help me see that I have control of my own damn life. You are wonderful, and know that you deserve to be everyone's first choice. You are more than the man that is there to pick up everyone's messes, you are the man whose strength we try to emulate as we face our own battles. This year I know has been very hard for you. But the courage, and fire you have every day just to wake up in the morning, and face the flames, is something that will carry you through the storm. I love you buddy. And I am here to take on those fiery pits of any hell storm with you.

 Ixy: My lady love. My sister. The most talented woman I have ever met, and the kind of fearless performer I admire with such awe. You are the definition of a woman with radiance. Thank you for being with me when I take a bow. Thank you for the endless rides (You rock Uptadel family) to rehearsal and back. Thank you for the sleepovers when I need a place to veg out. Thank you for offering me a protein bar when you know I forgot to eat dinner. You are very precious to me, and I hope to have many, many more journeys with you on and off the stage. "I would not wish any companion in the world but you...now, now sister don't be modest-I'm sure he'll pick you." (: Mandy: My sister from another mister. Regardless how many times we see each other a year, when we do, it is like no time has passed. Thank you for being one of my biggest support systems. Thank you for hearing my countless stories, and never seeming bored. Thank you for loving me unconditionally, and for our special talks that I always look forward to when we can meet. I love you to the moon and back girl. You are such a special woman, one of grace and modesty, and I know that you have a beautiful life ahead of you, even more beautiful than your presence is in this world.

 Amber: A woman I hope to grow up to be. Through it all, you have been there for me with no complaints. You have opened your soul, and offered me words of wisdom. You have chosen to spend wonderful afternoons with me, and for that, I am forever grateful. When you walked into my life two years ago, you showed me what it meant to be a friend. You demonstrate the kind of person I want to be. I hope you know how much you mean to me, and how much of who you are is going to take you to the highest of heights in this world. Keep kicking ass girl. You are capable of anything.

 The Bond Family: I hope you find your way to read this, because without you guys, my life would be so empty. Thank you for treating me as one of your own. Thank you Steve, for always yelling "Bravo" when I take my bow. Thank you Jackie, for your sweet texts, just to tell me that you love me. Thank you Christine, for with every performance giving me the best encouragement. Thank you Chelsea, for reminding me that it is okay not to be okay. I can always count on you guys to route for me as I do anything in this world. Your loving souls have lifted me up when I fell down, and please know that I will be here for you guys with whatever you need.

M3: Whenever I think of any of you guys, I think of this group. This group became so much more than just friends who watch movies together. We have become a family. Whether it's being there to support each other at our many performances, or offering love when life gets in the way, having you guys in my life has been such a blessing these past few years, (holy cow, YEARS?!). 

Brian and Shelby: I know, I know. Beating a dead horse with how much I love you guys, but I just can't not include you in this thank you. As you know, I was very lost coming to your theatre. I was searching for a place to take my "next step" in my career. Then, I lost myself. I didn't believe I had the talent or fire within me to succeed in this business. I hated who I saw in the mirror; I didn't believe I had the strength to continue to try. Your theatre saved my life. It helped me to discover that little energetic, dramatic girl who loved performing so much, that I thought died. Thank you for giving a chance. Thank you for believing in me when I didn't. Thank you for sending me messages filled of love when I wasn't feeling my best. Because of you guys, I found that I am capable. Because of you two, I rebuilt the Alexxis that I thought was gone. Because of the theatre you have created, I found not only another place to feel warm in, but a place to create. To inspire. To imagine. To tell my insecurity monster to shut the hell up. Thank you for showing me that I am enough. I will continue to spread your mission, and encourage everyone to come experience your beautiful company. 

Brelby Family: Thank you for welcoming me with open arms. Thank you for inspiring me to be the best performer I can be. Thank you for cheering me on opening night of Fangirl, when I was petrified of disappointing you. Thank you for showing me that it is not about the recognition, or proving something to others, it is about the art.

 You all have left a big hand print on my heart. 2015 was a little insane, but because of you, I survived the many peaks and valleys. I may have lost a piece of myself, but I gained so much more in the end. Most importantly, I gained all of you. 

Here is to 2016. May it bring to us joy, good challenges, and many self discoveries. 

"You are enough. You are so enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are". 
-Alexxis

Understanding Feminism

    So over the last few weeks, I have been shocked to learn how many people disagree with feminism. When I would mention that it is the belief that men and women should be equal, they agreed with the notion, but continued to disagree with me about labeling yourself as a "feminist" because in their mind, it was about women superiority. I would go to explain that there are women out there who pervert feminism, making it seem like its this"let's hate men" fiesta, but that is far from feminists are trying to achieve. Their response was a faint nod of casual agreement, and I just gave up on trying to make them care.

So, how about we talk about feminism, shall we?

1. Feminism is the belief that both sexes should be equal socially, politically, and economically. THAT IS IT.

    It is not about women being more powerful than men. It is not about proving women are the better sex, and all men are horny douchebags who need to be "taken down" (please, if you call yourself a feminist and seriously believe this, you need to rethink how that is not hypocritical). It is simply the belief that men and women should be treated with the same amount of respect, given the same pay, and not be oppressed by society or our government. If you agree with any of these concepts, guess what my friend, you are a feminist.

2. It fights for the rights of both sexes, not just women.

   Yes, feminism is not just for women. It supports the rights of men as well. Men should not be subjected to sexual harassment, assault, or domestic violence. Neither should women. If a woman hits her boyfriend, she should be given the same treatment as a man who hits his wife. No gray area. Just like women should not be slut shamed for being sexually active, or harassed for not enjoying "feminine" activities, a man should not be labeled as "weak" or called a "pussy" for not being good at football, or deciding to remain abstinent until his wedding day. Feminism is all about not letting one's anatomy dictate how he/she should be treated. We are all human beings. We should not be treated differently just because of what is in our pants. 

3. It's all about respect.

      If a girl is walking down the street near a busy intersection, don't shout at her. If a guy is running  in a park with his shirt off, don't catcall. If a woman has given herself the consent to drink and is quite intoxicated, don't take advantage of her. And if a man doesn't want to be intimate one night, don't force him to. This is what feminism is all about. Respecting each other's personal space.

So, awesome! Equality is great. But, this is 2015. Why do we still need to be active feminists?

    Regardless of how simple these concepts are, they are not being practiced. Women are still being paid less than men. Rape cases for both sexes are still not being taken seriously. Women and young girls are still being asked "what were you wearing?" when reporting a sexual assault. And domestic and sexual violence against men is treated as a mocking display of their masculinity. We have fought so hard, and are still so far. So what can we do as individuals to truly reach the goal of gender equality?

1. Don't mock feminism or feminists. Yes, like every thing good in this earth, there are people out there who pervert the main concept. Become educated, and learn how feminism protects the fundamental rights of both men and women.

2. Understand that every time you make a rape joke, or categorize either sex with a derogatory label, you are being part of the problem. 

3. Respect each other's choices, and if you don't, keep your mouth shut. How a person decides to live their personal life (as long it is not harmful to themselves or others) is none of your business. 

4. If you are a witness or victim to a violent act of any kind, take action. 

5. If you see someone being sexually harassed, speak up. 

Basically like our kindergarten teachers taught us: treat others how you want to be treated. 

Feminism is more than just a movement, it is a basic human right. We all deserve to be treated as equals. And it is time more than ever to start taking serious action, and understand that feminism is not about "taking the man down". It is about fighting for our rights as human beings. 

A Year Ago Today..

So many wonderful things have happened to me this past week. One that has really made me take a step back and look at myself through a different mirror was being cast as one of my dream roles, Miranda, in Shakespeare's The Tempest at Brelby Theatre Company. Now of course, every role is a gift, and whenever you get the chance to work as an actor is always something to thank your lucky stars for. But why this opportunity is so precious to me is because of who I was a year ago. And that me, was not even dreaming of continuing to act. She was fighting for the strength to live.

Flashback to Summer 2014 Alexxis: Self-deprecating. self-loathing. Beating herself up for previous performances and missed "marks" in her acting that she thought defined her talent. Unable to step in front of her summer Shakespeare class and deliver Cleopatra without stepping upstage out of complete fear. Unable to perform a monologue or a made up scene in her room without bursting into tears, and telling herself she was shit. Depression and anxiety were tearing her apart, she didn't ever think she would be able to act again, or be cast by someone who had a basic idea of what talent was. 

With counseling I began making progress with my mental health. And when fall semester started, I was in recognition about how I was feeling, and that it was not something to be ashamed of. However, the beginning of this year my depression took a turn for the worst. I started experiencing more panic attacks, and one awful afternoon, I almost attempted to end my life. I hated who I was. I didn't think I would ever have the strength or fire to accomplish my dreams. If I was always going to be in my own way, what was the point of being here anyways?

Everyday since then has been a struggle. With many peaks and valleys, I certainly mastered the dance of "one step forward, two steps back". I cannot say that I am recovered, but I can say that I have made some triumphs. From the help of caring friends and loved ones, I have found the courage to breathe. And because of the overwhelming compassion and energy of Brelby, I have found the fire to act again out of pure love, and discover that I am capable of a lot more than I give myself credit for. Oh boy, there is still a long way to go. And my crippling feelings of self doubt still creep up now and again. But I have been shown that life is worth experiencing, and that I do have the power to make a fulfilling life for myself. 

So here is my shout out to you, dear friends. Whether it be to those who are struggling with depression, experiencing low self-esteem, or simply just doubting your ability to accomplish your heart's desires; you are extraordinary. Never let yourself, or anyone break you down to a level where you doubt your worth or capability in this world. You are enough. You are so enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are. The journey I am sure has not been easy. But I promise you my love, it will be worth it. There is so much to discover. So much to live for. So much beauty in this life to experience. And from someone who was so close to taking away her opportunity to see it, believe me when I say that everything will be okay. Yes, life can be a bitch. All that means is you just need to take it down. (;

Thank you to everyone over this past year for your love and support. It has given me the strength to fight. I am certainly not lying when I say I could have not gotten here without all of you. <3

So long, Farewell.

    Saying goodbye to something, especially when it was a huge part of your life is always a challenge. Whether it be the loss of a loved one, that toxic person that you finally kicked to the curb, or a place that you called home, finishing a chapter in your life can bring a lot of uneasy emotions. For me as an actress, I am constantly saying goodbye to shows. It's so surreal when you think about it. You are given a character to create; you have about a month or two to bond with your cast, you put the whole thing together, and in a blink, it is time to strike. You take your final bows, say your goodbyes, grab your "thank you" cards, and either look for your next project, or start on a new show right away. I always feel super embarrassed about how attached I get to a show. I not only treat the character as if they are a real, living being (which I mean, I guess that is not necessarily a BAD thing); I also value the cast like family. Which in essence, that is what a cast should feel like. A tight group so connected to each other, one cohesive unit who offer love, support, and fun to the process. Yesterday, I had to say goodbye to Fangirl, a show that really has been a completely different experience than anything I have been a part of. It was rough, I cried before the show to my wonderful director, almost cried throughout the show during parts that would have been really inappropriate, and bawled as I left the theatre. It still hasn't completely hit me yet that it is over. Yesterday I even started going over some of my lines, when I realized I couldn't try to make the better choice "for next time". The journey was done. The show had a fantastic run. And I am really blessed with how well people enjoyed it, the wonderful response we received from our playwright, and the bond we all created together as a team. 

    When shows are such a positive experience, it can be hard to say goodbye. Such as with anything in life. Moving to a new city to pursue another career; switching your tassel from left to right, and saying goodbye to a place that held your heart. As a growing young woman, I have had to force myself to learn that life is a book filled with many chapters. In order to continue the story, you need to finish one to get to the next. It will always be there as a memory. You can even sneak a peak one day when you are feeling nostalgic, and embrace in all its beauty again. The memories never go away. But what is important is not to refuse to read the rest of the book, and constantly go back the beginning out of fear of not knowing what will come next. Because what is beautiful about life is that you create your own chapters. You have the power and the control to write whatever you want. You are the author of your own story. And that is what I am taking from this experience. I had a great time, and I want to have another one. So therefore, time to write my next chapter. It is up to me, and only me. And by gum, I am going to write it with as much beauty, action, and love as I can. 

So I'm curious, what are some difficult goodbyes you have had to say? What chapter are you writing now? Let's share, let's chat. Embrace together that our lives are always moving forward. (:

Breathing to Impress

The goal of making an impression is normally not a bad thing. Whether it be at a job interview, an audition, or a date, trying to create a positive reaction usually pushes our motivation. But what happens when your entire existence circles around getting that "thumbs up" from someone who may or may not even make a lasting impression in your life? Well my friends, not a whole lot of good. 

I have lived my whole life centered around impressing those around me. Whether it be about my intelligence, talent, or humor, I have made myself to believe that I always have something to prove. I guess it started when I was a child, when my bubbly and hyperactive personality was just too much for the kids on the playground, and therefore, I tried so hard to get them to like me by developing hobbies I thought would make me seem interesting. Fast forward five years into my high school days, and meet my greatest struggle today: thinking when I perform, I have to prove to others the quantity of my talent. 

These are the huge pains in my ass. The very thing that can turn a good day into a bad day. The funny thing is, I recognize now how awful these habits really are. I just can't seem to shake out of it. No matter how many friends I have, or how many performing opportunities I earn, there always is that voice in my head saying, "you are only good enough if [insert any name here] thinks so". 

A week from today, Fangirl opens. And holy moly, am I excited. But holy God, am I petrified as well. Being a newcomer to the theatre, I feel like I almost have to prove that I deserve to perform my character. And what if I completely fall on my face trying to do so? I don't want to make this show like every other role I have had, where the only thing circling around in my mind is "what are they thinking?" or "okay, let me prove to them I don't suck". And by proving to them, I think that will somehow prove to myself  that I have something special to offer. But I can be told how talented I am until the cows come home. I'll believe it for a second, then hate myself for trusting in their compliments. On Tuesday, I had a break through in rehearsal. I finally performed for the love of the character and the show as a whole. And Oh my God, was it magical. I never felt so in control. Sure, I was still in my head, but it became more about the character, rather than my need to prove to others that I am good enough to be on the stage. Yesterday, that need came back again. I am trying however to use that as a reminder to keep myself in check rather than hate myself for it, and not allow my own insecurities to get the best of me. 

What I am noticing is that when I focus on other's opinions of me, my mood shifts very quickly. I think that I have developed some shame within myself for desiring the approval of others. Like because of my irrational need to impress, I am ignoring the beauty of what life and performing have to offer. I am certainly not giving all of myself to a role and that kills me. But I know I can't be too hard on myself. You can't practice something for 15 years, and expect it to drop it in only one. It takes time, discipline, and self love. And really, I haven't had consistent practice of any of that for a while. 

So here is to trying. And taking account that my frustration with the whole issue is a sign that I am ready to give myself more love. It will be hella freaking hard. But I have to do it for my health. 

Now, let me ask you: what do you try to impress others with? How does it make you feel? Let's share, let's chat. I am sure we are not alone. 

Am I Crazy?

Having a mental disorder (or multiple) can make you feel like an absolute basket case. I cannot tell you how many times I think about all of my issues, and I look in the mirror say "Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with me?"

This is where I worry. What if there is something seriously wrong with me? How could someone with so many mental problems still be considered "a normal human being", or at least, someone allowed to function in everyday life.

I start to make myself feel undeserving. Like someone as "screwed up" as me is just too weird to hang out with everyday people.

 But here is the thing: what does normal even mean?

On Friday night, I had a panic attack. I lost control of my mind. I could feel my blood rushing like a facet. I couldn't stop myself from crying.

A friend of mine picked me up, and we talked in a Toys R Us parking lot. I started to express to him my feelings, how insane I felt, how frustrated I was with who I am. 

Me: I just don't think I'm normal.

Him: Okay, but what is normal? What society says normal should be? Who really is normal? 

This realization has stuck with me since then. I keep replaying the sentence over and over in my head, and this morning, I had another moment. I was curling my hair. Listening to my Pandora. Trying to get in a good mood for my Q2Q later this afternoon. Suddenly, a rush of guilt started to overwhelm me. I started to wonder how I could ever accept myself, and if really, anyone could deal with someone like me. I then listed all of my issues. Depressed, anxious, symptoms of OCD, highly sensitive, you know the drill. I began to feel terribly insecure about myself. "Wow, I really am a screwed up mess".  

His very voice popped into my brain. And then I felt a sense of relief. Because what is normal anyways? Who determined what it means to be normal? Is it something that even exists, or is it just what we pretend to be when we walk the streets? 

Everyone wears a mask. Some wear it religiously. Others take it off only when around certain people. We control what we want others to know about who we really are. So no, I am not what society perceives as normal. But I doubt anyone really is. We all have things in our makeup that flies a little off the spectrum of who a "normal person" should be. That is what makes us special. That is what allows us to make a difference in the world. This world has encountered some of the greatest walks of life who completely revolutionized how our world functions today. Albert Einstein, Judy Garland, Marilyn Monroe, Sylvia Plath; all of these individuals and more were considered to be crazy.  And the sad truth is, they weren't crazy at all. They just needed to be understood. 

Today, I am vowing to embrace what makes me so different. I will no longer be ashamed of who I am, or what I do. I was made this way for a reason, and with all of my "craziness", I will try to do something remarkable.

Now, I ask you, what makes you different? Was there ever a time you felt completely misplaced from the rest of the world? Let's embrace together the beauty of our oddness. 

Cliche Introduction

I've tried to do this sort of thing before about a year ago. I was eighteen, in the middle of a mediocre post-high school-graduate-meltdown, and barely starting my second week of community college. I was looking for a change in my life, or rather a way to cope with the new changes of my life. But with all things, after three weeks I forget my password, and created a new Tumblr where I have been ranting on for the last two years. Go figure. I guess I feel with these sorts of blogs you have to be inspirational. Each entry needs to have a "you can do it, I did" sort of approach. However to be frank, my inspiration engine is having some trouble starting up right now. So, can I promise you that you will find some magical, life changing awakenings here? Absolutely not. But, I can promise to be honest with you. To share my own struggles. To give you something to relate to. And for a newly turned twenty year old who still lives at home and has access to free food on a daily basis, that's all you can ask for right?

Alright. Enough of the chitter chatter. I guess I should tell you who I am. Really. 

The Basics: Twenty. Female. Feminist. Theatre major, and local actress wherever I can get by bus or kind friends. Alexxis Briviesca, entering her third year of community college (and hopefully her last) to walk the stepping stones to having a successful, professional acting career. Loud laugh. Loves to dance to Ariana Grande and the Pop Hip Hop Pandora station, usually at 6 am. Aggressively loyal to her friends. Enjoys eating avocado and tomato toasted sandwiches. Talks 50 miles a minute.

These are what I like to call "the makings of my mask". The mundane facts about me. The identifiers of my name. The simple quirks about me that I allow strangers to see.

But, what lies behind it?

The Bare Face: Insecure. Having severe symptoms of depression and anxiety (yet to be medically taken care of) for a year and a half. Jealous. Obsessive. Highly sensitive. And sometimes, dangerously lazy. 

Still want to get to know her? Well, alright. You have been warned. 

I'm a woman of many layers. As each person is in the world. Some may say I'm crazy, (which hell, you aren't wrong). Some may say I'm just too sensitive. Whoever Alexxis is to the outside world, the person inside of her is barely getting to know her. And the discoveries are sometimes less than pleasant. And other times, they are encouraging. Like we are told everyday, these are the years where life is a bitch. And finding who you are is like searching for loose change so you can eat lunch. Hopeful. Disappointing. Frustrating. And overall, just a huge mess. 

So, I encourage you to come on this ride. I will try to post something at least once a week. Probably just for myself. But if any of you care to join me, maybe this can be a cool bonding experience. I guess we shall see.