Am I Crazy?

Having a mental disorder (or multiple) can make you feel like an absolute basket case. I cannot tell you how many times I think about all of my issues, and I look in the mirror say "Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with me?"

This is where I worry. What if there is something seriously wrong with me? How could someone with so many mental problems still be considered "a normal human being", or at least, someone allowed to function in everyday life.

I start to make myself feel undeserving. Like someone as "screwed up" as me is just too weird to hang out with everyday people.

 But here is the thing: what does normal even mean?

On Friday night, I had a panic attack. I lost control of my mind. I could feel my blood rushing like a facet. I couldn't stop myself from crying.

A friend of mine picked me up, and we talked in a Toys R Us parking lot. I started to express to him my feelings, how insane I felt, how frustrated I was with who I am. 

Me: I just don't think I'm normal.

Him: Okay, but what is normal? What society says normal should be? Who really is normal? 

This realization has stuck with me since then. I keep replaying the sentence over and over in my head, and this morning, I had another moment. I was curling my hair. Listening to my Pandora. Trying to get in a good mood for my Q2Q later this afternoon. Suddenly, a rush of guilt started to overwhelm me. I started to wonder how I could ever accept myself, and if really, anyone could deal with someone like me. I then listed all of my issues. Depressed, anxious, symptoms of OCD, highly sensitive, you know the drill. I began to feel terribly insecure about myself. "Wow, I really am a screwed up mess".  

His very voice popped into my brain. And then I felt a sense of relief. Because what is normal anyways? Who determined what it means to be normal? Is it something that even exists, or is it just what we pretend to be when we walk the streets? 

Everyone wears a mask. Some wear it religiously. Others take it off only when around certain people. We control what we want others to know about who we really are. So no, I am not what society perceives as normal. But I doubt anyone really is. We all have things in our makeup that flies a little off the spectrum of who a "normal person" should be. That is what makes us special. That is what allows us to make a difference in the world. This world has encountered some of the greatest walks of life who completely revolutionized how our world functions today. Albert Einstein, Judy Garland, Marilyn Monroe, Sylvia Plath; all of these individuals and more were considered to be crazy.  And the sad truth is, they weren't crazy at all. They just needed to be understood. 

Today, I am vowing to embrace what makes me so different. I will no longer be ashamed of who I am, or what I do. I was made this way for a reason, and with all of my "craziness", I will try to do something remarkable.

Now, I ask you, what makes you different? Was there ever a time you felt completely misplaced from the rest of the world? Let's embrace together the beauty of our oddness.