The goal of making an impression is normally not a bad thing. Whether it be at a job interview, an audition, or a date, trying to create a positive reaction usually pushes our motivation. But what happens when your entire existence circles around getting that "thumbs up" from someone who may or may not even make a lasting impression in your life? Well my friends, not a whole lot of good.
I have lived my whole life centered around impressing those around me. Whether it be about my intelligence, talent, or humor, I have made myself to believe that I always have something to prove. I guess it started when I was a child, when my bubbly and hyperactive personality was just too much for the kids on the playground, and therefore, I tried so hard to get them to like me by developing hobbies I thought would make me seem interesting. Fast forward five years into my high school days, and meet my greatest struggle today: thinking when I perform, I have to prove to others the quantity of my talent.
These are the huge pains in my ass. The very thing that can turn a good day into a bad day. The funny thing is, I recognize now how awful these habits really are. I just can't seem to shake out of it. No matter how many friends I have, or how many performing opportunities I earn, there always is that voice in my head saying, "you are only good enough if [insert any name here] thinks so".
A week from today, Fangirl opens. And holy moly, am I excited. But holy God, am I petrified as well. Being a newcomer to the theatre, I feel like I almost have to prove that I deserve to perform my character. And what if I completely fall on my face trying to do so? I don't want to make this show like every other role I have had, where the only thing circling around in my mind is "what are they thinking?" or "okay, let me prove to them I don't suck". And by proving to them, I think that will somehow prove to myself that I have something special to offer. But I can be told how talented I am until the cows come home. I'll believe it for a second, then hate myself for trusting in their compliments. On Tuesday, I had a break through in rehearsal. I finally performed for the love of the character and the show as a whole. And Oh my God, was it magical. I never felt so in control. Sure, I was still in my head, but it became more about the character, rather than my need to prove to others that I am good enough to be on the stage. Yesterday, that need came back again. I am trying however to use that as a reminder to keep myself in check rather than hate myself for it, and not allow my own insecurities to get the best of me.
What I am noticing is that when I focus on other's opinions of me, my mood shifts very quickly. I think that I have developed some shame within myself for desiring the approval of others. Like because of my irrational need to impress, I am ignoring the beauty of what life and performing have to offer. I am certainly not giving all of myself to a role and that kills me. But I know I can't be too hard on myself. You can't practice something for 15 years, and expect it to drop it in only one. It takes time, discipline, and self love. And really, I haven't had consistent practice of any of that for a while.
So here is to trying. And taking account that my frustration with the whole issue is a sign that I am ready to give myself more love. It will be hella freaking hard. But I have to do it for my health.
Now, let me ask you: what do you try to impress others with? How does it make you feel? Let's share, let's chat. I am sure we are not alone.
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