A Year Ago Today..

So many wonderful things have happened to me this past week. One that has really made me take a step back and look at myself through a different mirror was being cast as one of my dream roles, Miranda, in Shakespeare's The Tempest at Brelby Theatre Company. Now of course, every role is a gift, and whenever you get the chance to work as an actor is always something to thank your lucky stars for. But why this opportunity is so precious to me is because of who I was a year ago. And that me, was not even dreaming of continuing to act. She was fighting for the strength to live.

Flashback to Summer 2014 Alexxis: Self-deprecating. self-loathing. Beating herself up for previous performances and missed "marks" in her acting that she thought defined her talent. Unable to step in front of her summer Shakespeare class and deliver Cleopatra without stepping upstage out of complete fear. Unable to perform a monologue or a made up scene in her room without bursting into tears, and telling herself she was shit. Depression and anxiety were tearing her apart, she didn't ever think she would be able to act again, or be cast by someone who had a basic idea of what talent was. 

With counseling I began making progress with my mental health. And when fall semester started, I was in recognition about how I was feeling, and that it was not something to be ashamed of. However, the beginning of this year my depression took a turn for the worst. I started experiencing more panic attacks, and one awful afternoon, I almost attempted to end my life. I hated who I was. I didn't think I would ever have the strength or fire to accomplish my dreams. If I was always going to be in my own way, what was the point of being here anyways?

Everyday since then has been a struggle. With many peaks and valleys, I certainly mastered the dance of "one step forward, two steps back". I cannot say that I am recovered, but I can say that I have made some triumphs. From the help of caring friends and loved ones, I have found the courage to breathe. And because of the overwhelming compassion and energy of Brelby, I have found the fire to act again out of pure love, and discover that I am capable of a lot more than I give myself credit for. Oh boy, there is still a long way to go. And my crippling feelings of self doubt still creep up now and again. But I have been shown that life is worth experiencing, and that I do have the power to make a fulfilling life for myself. 

So here is my shout out to you, dear friends. Whether it be to those who are struggling with depression, experiencing low self-esteem, or simply just doubting your ability to accomplish your heart's desires; you are extraordinary. Never let yourself, or anyone break you down to a level where you doubt your worth or capability in this world. You are enough. You are so enough. It is unbelievable how enough you are. The journey I am sure has not been easy. But I promise you my love, it will be worth it. There is so much to discover. So much to live for. So much beauty in this life to experience. And from someone who was so close to taking away her opportunity to see it, believe me when I say that everything will be okay. Yes, life can be a bitch. All that means is you just need to take it down. (;

Thank you to everyone over this past year for your love and support. It has given me the strength to fight. I am certainly not lying when I say I could have not gotten here without all of you. <3